[Autism Diagnosis] Thoughts and Feelings from a Mother with a Child with Autism

Monday, May 18, 2015

First off, before I say anything else, I just want to THANK EVERYONE for their overwhelming love and support and encouragement for our family. The overwhelming outpouring of love was, well, overwhelming. I cannot thank you all enough and I can't even find the right words to say, but THANK YOU. Seriously, it means the world to know that you all are in our corner, fighting right along side with us to find the best for Mason.

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I'll be honest. I cried my eyes out while I wrote Friday's post. I cried and I typed and I wiped the tears so I could type some more. I didn't really know what I was writing, but I wanted to get my thoughts on 'paper'. Writing helps me. I have the hardest time expressing myself verbally sometimes and am so much better writing it down. When I initially sat down to write the post, I just wanted to get my ideas down and then I figured I would go back and alter it and proof read. But when I proof read it, I thought it was perfect. There wasn't one thing I wanted to add or change.

So, how am I really doing? I'm not sure. Like I said. This diagnosis doesn't define Mason. He is the same sweet, caring, loving boy that he was the day before he was diagnosed. We don't treat him any differently (as we should). On that day, we were given a piece to the 'Mason puzzle' and a tool to help us help him. I know this isn't a death sentence. He is not sick. But, I'm only human and I'll be brutally honest, I can't help but think "why me?" "why us?" "why Mason?". I'm sure someone somewhere thinks we can handle this and I know we can, but I still wonder, why. I think that is a normal question to ask. I mean it can be applicable for anything. It is common for people to wonder why.

When I was pregnant, everything was great. Everyday was rainbows and unicorns and I was in heaven knowing that come July 2012, I was welcoming a beautiful baby boy. Mason was born and I was instantly in love. My motherly instincts came in right away and I knew what he needed and what to do. I was in love. He was perfect.

He had silent reflux and it was hard. I couldn't breastfeed. Things weren't going quite how I imagined.  I'd read books, blogs, and magazines and the way things were going wasn't how I pictured my maternity leave going. It was harder than I thought. But things got better, I eventually went back to work, and we fell into a routine. Milestones were met, milestones weren't met, but we didn't think anything was wrong. Boys are just slower, right?

But time proved that that's not totally true. Sometimes boys aren't just slow, sometimes kids need help. And here we are. Many tests and evaluations later and we have determined that Mason has autism. I struggle with how much of our story I want to share on the internet, for all to read. How much is too much? BUT at the same time, finding blogs with moms with kid's with autism, moms who are honest and who share about their story have been SO helpful to me. I've found two (one with help! Thank you Laureen!) that hit so, so close to home. I cried while reading their stories. How did they know how I feel? Are they in my head?

Day to day, I am fine. I am ok with the diagnosis, I had already thought it was coming. But in all reality, I was hoping I was wrong. Nobody wants anything to be wrong with their child, no matter how big or small. Nobody wants to be told, by a doctor, that their kid will need extra help.

Now I know I am skipping from steps 1-100 to step 101 but I can't help but think of the future. Will Mason need to be in special education classes? Can he be in mainstream classes? How will that effect him? How will that effect the others? Will he need an aide to be with him? How will others react? How will others treat him? (<-- that's the BIGGEST question for me. and the one that makes me cry the most when I think about it.)

I would give ANYTHING to be there to be able to protect him. ANYTHING. But I know he will need to stand up for himself.

Like I said, I've skipped way past steps 1-100 and have gone straight to 101 and don't even know if any of this will happen. Only time will tell. And I know I need to let time run it's course, but it's SO hard not to think of all the 'what ifs' and what will happen to your child. I want to protect him so bad. I want to make it ok. I want to make it good. I know it will crush me to my core if he comes home from school one day to tell me that a mean kid made fun of him.

Parenting. All the emotions. All of the time.



18 comments:

  1. You were given Mason for a reason. He is the way he is for a reason. All three of you are so incredibly wonderful and special and lovely and the world is so lucky to have people like you in it. All of the gifts you bring to it and share with it- it's amazing. Just like you and your boy. I admire your strength, honesty, heart, and mama bear fierceness. You are a jewel, Liz. So many hugs and prayers to you.

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  2. Well done! It is hard, but you will get through it. When God made Mason He knew who his mommy should be. You may not know why, but that is not important. God knew what He was doing.

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  3. I am so inspired by your honesty, love and dedication. You are you. I love that, and your whole family!

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  4. You Elizabeth are just amazing. You are so much stronger than you know and your words just say that. I have prayed for you & cried for you but most of all felt so blessed for Mason to have you. You friend are something special and because of you...Mason will do great things <3

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  5. Mason is beyond blessed to have such a wonderful & loving family. A family who cares so much they ask all the "what if"s of the future. A family that doesn't just walk along as if everything is honkey dorey but one that is trying their hardest to make sense of it all so they can help him excel to the best of his ability. You are amazing. Your family is amazing. Most of all Mason is amazing. Big hugs to you mama!

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  6. So right. All the feels, all the time! I'd be crushed if Aria came home and said somebody made fun of her too with or without any diagnosis. Kids can be little snots. But sometimes they can surprise the heck out of you too. I guess all we can do is hope that they will brush nasty comments off, and know they have plenty of love in their corner!

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  7. You're such an amazing mother! I think we all stress & worry about our kids regardless of the situation. You will figure out things as go, and Mason will lead a beautiful life!

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  8. You're amazing, momma. And Mason is too. The pieces to your puzzle will all come together exactly when they are supposed to.
    Hugs, prayers and love to you!!

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  9. The internet connects so many people. I've found connections on lots of topics and events relevant to me, and I'm glad you are, too!. You are the best mom Mason could have and you're doing the best for him! Others will find inspiration and hope from your sharing!

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  10. I think those fears come with being a mom also, I know I have them too, especially because I had my fair share of mean girl encounters growing up. I've come to realize, people WILL be mean. It's MY job to teach my kids how to respond, deal with, and move on from those moments. Having a loving and supportive family is key, and you definitely have that for Mason!! :)

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  11. i feel like i dont even have any words. just that i love you. and courtney pretty much summed it up when she said you are a jewel. and you guys are just so strong and supportive and i just cant say enough how amazing you, your husband, and sweet mason are!

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  12. So hard to read I cry for you because I know it must be so hard. I have those same fears, I fear how others will react to things or treat my babies. I want to protect them always!
    I hope you keep sharing your story, I find it so powerful and I know it's helping so many families out there!!
    You have no idea how often I google things.. And I just want real moms, real moments, real stories that I can relate to and be like ok, I am not alone in this!

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  13. I just love what Courtney said. You were given Mason for a purpose and a reason. Sometimes things can be so hard to understand and later (sometimes much later) we see the beauty in something we never thought we could. Thanks for being real and sharing your life with us friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers. ((((((BIG HUGS)))))))

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  14. You really are amazing & an inspiration, and I know you & your sweet family will get through this like the rock stars you are! Your love for Mason shows SO MUCH through your words and he is so very lucky to have you, as you are lucky to have him! MUCH love your way! OXOXO

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  15. Love your blog. Here is a GREAT one to read. Chrissy is a momma to 2 little boys with autism.
    http://www.lifewithgreyson.com/

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  16. You are such an amazing mom! So glad you are sharing your journey with us :)

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  17. I think posts like these breed acceptance. So many people are not aware of the difficulties others are facing. You're doing a great job as a mom and a great job spreading awareness!

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  18. Oh sweet momma, I think you are reacting in the most natural and normal way that any mom would! But you guys got this! And when you're having a hard day, or being sucked into a dark moment, just know that you have all the love and support you could ever hope for in your sweet husband, family friends and blogging community! We adore your sweet family and are here to cheer you on every step of the way!! HUGS!

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