If I'm Being Honest...

Saturday, December 6, 2014

I had these grand ideas of how this weekend would pan out. Seth was working at the swap meet and it would just be me and Mason. We would play, go to the park, run some errands, I would be SO productive during nap time and then... I started to feel overwhelmed. Like SO OVERWHELMED. Like it's already 2:43pm on Saturday and I haven't done even half of what I wanted to do today. 

And as I write this post, I feel like my brain is going one hundred miles a minute because I'm...

...thinking about how all Mason had to eat today was a cup of milk, a bite of a waffle, and a spoonful of yogurt for breakfast and goldfish as a snack (x2 - one cup at home and one at Michael's and Costco) and pirate's booty, some olives, an apple sauce, and some edamame for lunch. I tried really hard to give him some tortellinis but how do you force a toddler to eat pasta through his closed mouth while he's shaking his head 'no' and yelling 'NO!'. The answer is : you don't. Normally he is a good eater so I'm not really worried, but I feel like a horrible mom letting him eat only junk so far today.

...making to do lists in my head for myself for my day off in a week. I'm already thinking about how productive I am going to be (or rather - want to be) one week from yesterday - which, honestly, is crazy.

...staring at my inbox and wondering when/how I am going to look at the 75 unread emails I have.

...thinking about the 10 scheduled blog posts in my draft folder. None of which have any writing in them - only titles - to remind me of what I want to write about...if I have time.

...trying to come up with a clever title for this post (which obviously didn't happen).

...trying to figure out what little gift to get for the white elephant gift exchange at my work holiday party next weekend.

...thinking about all the Christmas presents I still need to get and wrap and how I have no idea what to get for most of them.

...annoyed at my printer for being out of black ink and refusing to print anything, even if it try to print in color, which I know sounds crazy but I REALLY wanted to get my Christmas cards in the mail and now I have to wait until Monday when my ink arrives (thank you Amazon Prime!) or hand address and hand return label all of them. 

...looking at the mess of toys and books all over the floor and how I should be cleaning them up. And, while I'm at it, how I should probably be sweeping and mopping and vacuuming the floors as well.

...and wondering why? Why do I feel so overwhelmed? Why do I put this pressure on myself? I should be enjoying this quiet time to myself by doing something that makes me happy, not stressing myself out.

But sometimes, just sometimes, as a working mom, I feel like I put so much pressure on myself on the weekends. Like I have to be SO productive because I don't have time to do it during the week. And sometimes it is just unreasonable. 

Does that mean I am going to stop taking a million pictures of everything? 
No.  
Does that mean I am going to stop doing any of the activities that I have planned for this month? 
No. 
Does that mean I'm going to stop blogging? 
No.

It just means I am going to try to find a balance between what I want to do and what I need to do. And to try to find time for me - to just breath. 

Balance. Balance was my goal for this year and as of today, December 5, 2014, I can honestly say that... I have not achieved that goal yet. It's the truth. I'm still struggling to find balance in everything. I'm sure the holidays are not the time to find balance with things being so crazy, but sometimes it's important to just sit back, relax and DO NOTHING. So, that's what I did. I sat down with a bowl of skinny pop popcorn (poured from the giant Costco bag that I bought today) and my iced tea and I did nothing. Granted, I'm not really doing nothing, I'm writing this post, but I'm not doing any of the things on my to do list and writing seems to be therapeutic for me recently. To get my ideas down on "paper". Even if I don't post them or share them with anyone, it feels good to get my thoughts out of my head so my brain doesn't feel like it's on overload anymore. I started and stopped sentences over again as my mind raced to think of something else I wanted to say. It was like I couldn't type fast enough or coherently enough for what my brain wanted me to say.

So, what am I going to do now? I'm going to sit back, finish my popcorn, watch some tv, and wait for my little man to wake up from his nap so we can play and cuddle. I'm not going to feel bad about what he ate today because, hey, it happens sometimes. I'm not going to feel bad about what I did or did not accomplish today because, hey, there's always tomorrow. I have such an amazing life, I don't want it to pass me by while I am worried about my to do list or what I could or should be doing. I want to enjoy it. Every minute. I'm going to live in the moment and enjoy today because babies (toddlers) don't keep.


11 comments:

  1. It's so easy to become overwhelmed! I'm battling a doozy of a cold and all I can think of is all the things I'm not doing instead of just resting and getting better. And don't worry about mason's eating... I feel like noah has become the pickiest eater lately and that's been his normal "meal plan" for a while!

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  2. :) I love honest posts like this because it makes me feel less alone. I feel like bloggers have it all together ALL THE TIME. The truth is we don't, I have a post half written for Monday that I'm sure you'll relate to.

    I have a to-do list a mile long too, and I am sitting here blogging and drinking a glass of wine because you know what? I DON'T even slightly have it all together and that's ok :) xo

    Hope you can find that balance you're looking for.

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    1. Also.. I think not even a month ago I said I found the perfect balance... and now I'm in the middle of writing about how overwhelmed I am... lol I think balance is something that comes and goes.

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  3. Aria had popcorn and pretzels for lunch, and then when she woke up she had her St. Nic shoe snacks which were gummies and a chocolate reindeer. After that she opened her advent treat which was one hershey hug. Then we had to do a couple errands so I gave her the rest of her popcorn and pretzels from earlier. Thank goodness she had fruit for breakfast and just a bit of protein for dinner...oy. I suck at running errands and then getting back home in time for her to eat something. So happens to us all!!!
    I made out those to do lists for my blog break and barely got any done when Aria reverted back to not falling asleep on her own. My gosh I was so frazzled. December is so nutty. I'm so glad her party is over though, one less thing to do. I still never feel like I get anything done even staying at home. I want some of those stereotypical bon bons and lounging around the house all day thoughts people tend to have. And, Sunday being the day of rest...that should be some type of law. I'll also take an errand fairy.
    Awesome for you for enjoying some popcorn and a break during nap time.

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  4. thanks for this honesty! I am struggling so much with being overwhelmed it's trickling into everything and I just want to enjoy life! I am probably taking an extended blog break at the holidays bc as much as I love the connections it's rally a fun hobby. If something needs to go it's really the thing. Anyway hang in there, enjoy your family and do what makes you happy and don't worry about the rest and I'll try to do the same lol!

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  5. Hugs to you mama! I think finding balance is something we all struggle with as moms. Whether we stay home or work outside the home. I often feel major guilt wondering if I'm just not good with time management or blaming myself in some other fashion because I, yet again, didn't get but one or two things checked off the never ending to-do list. Toddlers are so unpredictable yet they really run our lives. I love every minute of it but yes, it is SO draining at times. I'm so happy you are able to find therapy in writing. That's why I blog. I might not share any super personal tidbits (too many family members read haha) but I do find blogging to be therapeutic for sure. Maybe it's the combo of community and writing. P.S. Some days, Lily eats like a fly and only junk, the other days she eats like a grown man. I'm sure you have witnessed that with Mason before. :) Doesn't make it any easier in the moment though. Hope you find some sense of balance & try not to be so hard on yourself. You are admired by many for juggling so many hats!

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  6. Oh, I needed to read this. I have been struggling to just stay afloat lately... It's so hard. I feel like I come home and have nothing left to give. And the weekends just fly by. Hang in there, mama!

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  7. I seriously think it takes a life time to master the balance! You are doing an amazing job, momma! I promise!!
    Now hopefully this brings you some comfort as it has brought me some (especially since Mia's been eating so crappy through this past month - holidays, man!) they measure kids nutrition by the week, not the day! So if they have one off day, no stress! As long as they get it in within the week span! That saved me last week as we were at our church Christmas party and Mia literally ate a candy cane and two rolls for dinner. Ugh!
    You could just be like me and not reply to emails, HA! I know it's so horrible of me, but something had to go so I gave that up! Obviously I read them and reply to certain emails, but I just can't keep up with replying to every single one!

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  8. Girl, you could've taken these words out of my mouth! Finding some sort of balance with everything that needs to get done is HARD! I'm constantly making lists in my head and then when I don't have paper around to write things down, I forget! Courtney's right, December is nutty, trying to do all the Christmas shopping, wrapping, decorating, baking, and everything else that comes along with it. I know what you mean about weekends too - there's so little time during the week to do things, and after work, all I really want to do is have a few minutes to relax. Then the weekend comes and I want to do fun things, but we have to get other things done too! Maybe we should move to Europe where they get more vacation days and work less :)

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  9. While I absolutely love the holidays, they bring approximately 1.7 million other 'things' to do. And, the already busy schedules just become packed and crazy. Of course, there's that whole balance thing… I'm constantly struggling with that, too.

    I hope you enjoyed those post-nap snuggles!

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  10. Oh my gosh. This. Is. So. Me. As I sit here reading this and trying to catch up on blogs/etc., I'm thinking of all the other things I should be doing.. And EXACTLY, trying to make the most of my weekend cause come Monday, there's only a few hours each evening at home. So, thank you, I'm going to remember 'BALANCE' each time my mind starts to race and I too get overwhelmed (especially this time of year). We do the best we can but WE are the ones that are putting so much pressure on ourselves. Breathe and balance... I will be repeating that a lot.. :)

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